Fear
A Christmas Tale

I was never all-in on Christmas as a kid, but I definitely never hated it either. As an adult, it got more complicated for the usual reasons - scheduling, kids, work, travel, families, etc. And then there were the less usual reasons, which have stuck around way past their expiration date, leaving me with unhelpful and unnecessary fears to contend with every December.

In December 2025, after having a conversation about trying to visualize the fear, I put this story together in a couple hours. Maybe Fear is just doing his job, trying to make some overtime and move up. And also, maybe it’s a conversation? Turns out we’re the clients, and we get to decide how and if we want to engage.

Full text:

1. Fear lives alone in a third floor walkup, in an otherwise empty building between two vacant lots.
2. He’s out a lot, doing unannounced client visits for his job.
3. He’s short and I see him a lot this time of year.
4. Fear likes to remind me how dangerous and terrifying the holidays used to be.
5. Christmas was competitive, performative, rigid, medicated, weaponized, isolating, oppressive… I had no voice, and ten years ago I was almost killed. Fear comes over to make sure I’m still tense, still bracing for the next blow.
6. Today, fear sat next to me while I worked. And I asked him how he was feeling about our progress.
7. We barter - he takes my sleep, productivity, sense of safety, patience, and composure. In return, I get to constantly look over my shoulder, second guess every decision, and generally hate myself.
8. A couple decades into our collaboration, I figured we were even. “Fear, what’s your family up to for Christmas?” I asked.
9. He looked startled and sad. Maybe a little scared? For the first time ever, he answered me. “I don’t know.”
10. He left a little while later. I know he’ll be back, maybe even tomorrow, but at least we’re talking now.